Episode 2 - Showtime

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Episode 2 - Showtime



Background - Busy pub, George, Brian, Jamesey and Donny are drinking while looking at the girls at the bar.

Jamesey - What about the Cotton Club?

George - Too expensive.

Brian - Dirty Dingwalls?

Donny - Last week, their bouncers called me a filthy goth. Cheeky bastards. No fucking way are we going there.

George - An after-show party has to be somewhere we can just go, enjoy ourselves (cut to the band drinking shots), listen to good tunes (cut to the band rocking out), somewhere we can dance like fannies (cut to the band dancing like fannies) but still cool enough to pull birds (cut to each of the band attempting to kiss girls with various degrees of success).

Brian - And cheap.

Jamesie - Obviously...

The boys nod in agreement before a collective realisation...

Together - The Viva!!




They clink glasses.










Narrator - The whole point of becoming famous is to get girls. Ask any rock star and while they'll probably give you all the 'I need to express myself' bollocks, the simple truth remains that guys, like me, get into the 'business' to empty their sacks. In the future, this is especially true for sesame seed bar eating, vegan nerd rock stars. I was 17 when I started working in the Tax office and my sexual history was already pretty impressive. Actually, it wasn't. You could condense the entire time I'd spent inside the opposite sex into the time it would take to boil a fucking under cooked egg. Or run a mile. And up against Coe and Ovett, I'd definitely come first. But it didn't stop me and boys trying...




George on couch with girl engaging in heavy petting..




Girl - No...

George (pulling away) - Don't you want to?

Girl - Not until we're engaged.

George - What?

Girl - Not until you propose.

George (stunned) We just met. Like half an hour ago.

Girl - Don't you love me?

George (getting up) - Eh...I'll be back in a minute..

Girl - If you love me...you can wank on my tits...

George - OK, thanks...

Narrator - Keep walking, don't look back.

George (muttering) - Where is Brian?

George walks in on Brian and a large girl, on the bed, her pale, naked rear end visible,

Narrator - It was like a spotty Hindenburg

George (retreats repulsed)

Narrator - Oh the humanity! Even Donny was struggling to unblock the cock...



Donny still at the bar, sitting at a table with a pretty girl who has not been won over by his normal line of chat. They are silent. Looks are exchanged.

Donny - Another pint?

Girl - No..no thanks.

They remain at the table in awkward silence.




Narrator - Much as the thought of splattering cock custard on some needy girl appealed to me, there was something else going on that was more exciting.




Cut to the band in Brian's van. It's night time. They are wearing balaclavas and dark clothing.

George - Right one more time, who's on look out?

Donny and Brian - Jamesey

Jamesey - What?

George - Ok, Brian you grab the tools and Donny, the bags. Remember, if we see the cops, we scarper.

Jamesey - But what if we're caught?

Donny (in tough guy voice, grabs Jamesey) - You tell the filth NOTHING!

Go! Go ! Go!

The boys run out of the van and as promised, start bill-posting in very prominent places, including outside the Tax office where Gordon and George work.

Suddenly, lights and sirens!

Jamesey - Polis!

Brian - Bolt ya rockets!!!

The boys drop their buckets and brushes and disappear into the Glasgow alleys. A chase ensues before the bag containing the flyers and poster splits, spilling a whole host of them onto the wet ground. A close up of a discarded poster says 'Live at the Doune...MOT with special guests The Molotov Cocktails'.




Narrator - By the way, handy tip. Never try to escape the local bacon while wearing cowboy boots. Now that we'd got the gig, we seriously had to up our game. So we moved to Sound City, home of Raw Sex and we practiced. Hard. And this time, we had visitors.




Cut to Sound City rehearsal room, a clearly improving band jams to something that sounds like Status Quo's 'Caroline'




Billy (to Gordon) - What do you think about George?

Gordon - A bit annoying but harmless.

Billy - Good set of pipes.

Gordon - You think?

Billy - We should keep an eye on that one...




The jam finishes and Billy gives George a fresh bag of flyers for the upcoming gig.




Billy - Hand these out at the festival tomorrow. But be back at the Doune by 6 for the soundcheck..




Cut to afternoon rock festival, smallish crowd but enthusiastic. The main stage is a band stand in the park. The sun is shining. The band walk into the festival.

Donny - I love summer in Scotland. It's my favourite day of the year.




Narrator - It may not look much but The Kelvingrove Rock festival was like fucking Woodstock to us back then. All the known Glasgow rock bands played this, with occasional new acts from the States. If I got a gig here or at the Barrowland, I'd chuck it as I'd reached the pinnacle. (cuts to onstage DJ) That's Tom Russell. I'd lie in bed and in between furious bouts of self immolation, I'd listen to his rock show at night, not really for the music but to hear him pronounce some of the most brilliant and ridiculous names with his unique, terrier voice. Chasar, Cochise, Question the Peasant. And here he was, at our own home grown festival. Maybe we'd play it next year.




Tom Russell - Are you ready to ROOOOCCKKKK????

Narrator (growling) - Yes we are, Tom.

Tom Russell - Alright, we've got a young band here from America, let's give a big Kelvingrove cheer for Bon Jovi!

Donny - Bon what? Look at the fucking state of that!

Brian - Bonjela?

Narrator - Going by those spandex trousers, perhaps Moose Knuckle would be a more appropriate name than Bon Jovi.

George - C'mon, hurry up with those flyers we've got an hour before soundcheck. Don't forget, we've not got many of these left so it's hot girls first, then average girls, followed by greasers, janglies then ugly girls.

Cut to band handing out flyers...

Narrator - Music history lesson now. Pay attention at the back. By the mid eighties, the Glasgow rock beast was in serious danger of becoming extinct. Loud guitars and tight trousered cock rocking were seen as pretty passe by the new breed as the modern quiffers, art school poppers and turned up jeans brigade were having their day in the sun. Normal service would ultimately be resumed but in 1985, it was a close run thing. Having Donny and Jamesey in the band, we had feet in both camps. Remarkably, for such a shit decade, the 80's would have a revival. But, instead of the good stuff, it was mainly a bunch of synth loving, skinny jean wearing hipster tits hanging around cafes, bemoaning their lot. Thanks 80's revival. Thanks a lot...



The band continue to hand out flyers, bypassing the greasy rockers and concentrating on the younger female element.

George gives a flyer to a group of girls, slightly older than the band, most of whom are very pretty. Donny interjects.

Donny - Lovely ladies, fuck this bonjerky pish and come see a real band.

Girl - Like who?

Donny - Like us, sweet cheeks!

Another girl - And who might you be?

Donny (seriously) - Ahm known as ...the Skull.

3rd girl (to George) - Who's he?

George - I'm the singer. Where are you from?

1st girl - She's from Aberdeen, down visiting for the festival. Watch out. She's got a thing for singers.




George and the girl move away from the rest of the group and continue talking.

George - Come to the show. You'll like it.

Girl - How do you know?

George - I know these things...

Narrator (in Spanish accent) - You know nothing!!

...by the way, I'm George

Girl - Melissa.







Donny (Throwing his arms around the unimpressed girls) - So, are you gonna rock with the Skull tonight ladies???

1st girl (Pointing to Brian)- Will he be there?

Donny (Looking at the girls' less than fulsome chest) - Trust me love, you're not his type.




Cut to Brian's van, voiceover.

Donny (singing) - The Skull is gonna fuck like a beast tonight!!!!

George - So, you're going to spill your seed over poor wee Sandy again?

Brian - Hahaha, anytime we drive by the cat and dog home, he's almost up to his full three inches.

Donny - Fuck off, ya botons. For the millionth time, the stupid dog just jumped up on me as I hit the vinegar stroke. I couldn't avoid splattering the poor wee bastard.

Jamesey - What's the vinegar stroke?

Pause then laughter...




Cut to the soundcheck...the Molotov Cocktails finish their last song.




Soundman - Fine. That'll do for now boys,




The doors open and people start flooding into the venue.




Narrator - Technically, this isn't my first paid, professional performance.




Cut to late 70's living room. 4 young boys sing 'Yes Sir I can Boogie' for George's drunk Dad who gives them a pound to share. They are delighted!




Cut back to venue, a friend catches George's attention and gives him a rock finger salute.

Narrator - Oh, fuck. Now it's real. Really real. No hiding place. The nerves are biting in and I'm bricking it, metaphorically and literally. In the future, no matter where I play or how big the audience is, I spend some quality time here, in my sanctuary. The can. I will play some toilets in my time but...




Cut to toilet/dressing room...

Jamesey - Where's George?

Donny (points to cubicle) - You mean Poo Manchu?

Jamesey - You alright mate?

George (shouts) Fine...blleaeughh! Splatter.




Narrator - Multi directional. Not to be used as part of a healthy diet. Now the thoughts are becoming more intense? What if I forget the words? What if go blank and bottle it? What happens if my fly's undone and everyone can see the hole where my genitalia has disappeared into?




Donny (taking off one of many t-shirts he has) - Geo?

George - Skull....

Donny (showing off T-shirt) - I'm going with Sex Vampire tonight, what do you think?

George - Bllleeeaauuugghhh.....not a bad choice but I was thinking more that white demon print shirt THEN Sex Vampire for the...

Donny - For the after party....yes! Good shout. First steps on the road to fame, my man, got to make a statement.

George spits out some more sick.

George - If this is what it's going to be like, I'm not sure I want it.


Donny - My arse. If you've made it, you've got the lot. You can't tell me that a guy like George Michael isn't up to his knees in pussy this very minute? And do you think the singer from Big Country is sitting about his hotel, depressed as all fuck?

George - Doubt it...

Donny - Exactly.

Brian enters and works on his mullet,

Brian - Remember those girls from the festival?

Donny and George - Yes?

Brian - Well, they're out there, right at the front....

George - Splatter.....eeeeuuugghhhh....anyone got any deodorant?

Brian - ...Quite unimpressed with the chestage, I have to say.

Donny (to his demon print shirt in eastern European accent) - C'mon baby, work your voodoo for me one more time...




Cut to slow motion, band walking out of toilets/dressing room towards the stage. Schoolmates, friends, family members and the girls from the festival, are all there cheering, showing support.




Narrator - Years later, I've never forgotten the swell of emotions that encapsulated those brief moments. The fear, the anticipation, everything that I'd ever hoped it could be. It's funny but as soon as I was on the stage, the nerves just seemed to disappear. Gone. It felt as natural as breathing. I didn't freeze and I didn't blank. Frank and beans, back where they should be. Time to rock...




The band play and go down a storm. They're cheered back on for an encore. Time passes in an instant. MOT play their gig and invite the Molotovs to join them for their encore. The packed pub is bouncing.




Cut to the end of the night and both bands and roadies are packing up. Devon is getting paid for the gig by the bar manager and counts off a couple of notes before giving them to a delighted Brian.


Devon - That's your share of the takings. Don't spunk it.

Brian (looking at the money) - Wow.

George sits in a daze at the edge of the stage. Gordon sits beside him. They are silent for a moment.




Gordon - Enjoy that, youngster?

George turns and nods, smiling.

Gordon - Now you know what you have to do for the rest of your life.

He puts his arm around George, ruffles his hair with his knuckles before leaving him to his thoughts.







Narrator - There are moments of sublime joy in life, like the birth of ones children, discovering true love and all the usual events that people mention - stuff that is perfectly valid and honest - but right at this moment, my short life felt complete. Completely complete. If a comet hit the Kingston Bridge causing the banks of the Clyde burst flooding the pub in a 'Deep Impact' kind of moment, apart from the lack of penetrative sex, I could not have died a more contented man. But hold the bus...




3rd girl, Melissa approaches George.

Melissa - That was magic.

George - Thanks.

Melissa - You...the band...you were awesome. What are you doing now?

George - I really need to get the gear back to base. But we've got an after party at the Viva?

Melissa - I'm off to Aberdeen, first thing in the morning.

George - Damn.

Melissa - Look, here's the number of the place I'm staying. If you change your mind...

George - Here's a ticket for the party if you change yours.

Brian - C'mon mate, we need to go. I've got to get the gear back before the party.

Melissa (to George) - You were awesome...




George is almost dragged away to the van. Donny is outside the pub, signing autographs and offering sexual favours to his fans.

Donny - Who wants to go to the after party?

A ripple of excitement as a few girls cheer.

Donny - Right, who's gonna suck the Skull's bad boy for a ticket?

Most girls look disgusted and start to walk away.

Donny (surprised) - What?

One geeky girl remains.

Donny - Well?

Geeky girl - I've got chips.

Donny - Beat it, son.

Geeky Girl - And I'll take a ticket...

Donny - Really?

Donny hesitates, looks around and says...

'Can I ask you a personal question? I...ahem...my friend has a ...sort of moral dilemma. He reckons it's alright to wank off in front of your dog but personally, I'm no sure.' before walking off into the Glasgow night with his arm around her shoulder.




Narrator - In the future, this geeky girl will show her chebs on a website, have her own cookery show and marry one sesame seed bar eating vegan rock star.




Gordon and Billy have finished packing up their van, George, Brian and Jamesey are following them back to their base to dump the equipment before heading to the party. They pull up to a tenement block and start carrying amps and guitars up three flights.

Narrator - 345 Pollokshaws Road. Billy's flat, gear storage and temporary studio. This old sandstone building is where the magic happens.




Brian - (Carrying one end of a large trunk)- Where the hell did Donny disappear to?

George (struggling with the other end) - I'm going to wring his fat fucking neck.

Jamesey follows behind, carrying a few lightweight leads and cables.

They enter the flat and Billy throws the lads a couple of tins of beer.

George - So, are you coming to the after party? Should be a blast.

Billy (setting up equipment) - Nah, we've still got to lay down a few tracks tonight.

Gordon - We'll party when we've made it. But Stevie will probably go.

Narrator - In the next room, Billy's flatmate Stevie, was trying to nail a guitar lick. This is a very technical term. You may not understand it. What it means is this...

Gordon (getting annoyed) - He's making an arse of that.

Billy - He's been playing the bloody 'Heat is On' since Thursday.

Gordon (frustration building) - For Christ's sake...

Gordon pushes Stevie's door open, grabs the guitar off the the kimono wearing guitarist and says...

Gordon (forcefully) -It's not a diminished 5th, it's a minor fucking seventh! Jesus! Listen!

Gordon plays the piece perfectly before thrusting the guitar back into the hands of the bemused Stevie.

Stevie (cheerfully) - Cheers big ears!

Narrator - That's Stevie. He hasn't heard us come in because he's as deaf as a post which can be a bit of a bummer if you're trying to work out the fine points of Glenn Frey canon while being a considerate flatmate. For example...




Cut to Billy banging the door of the flat.

Billy (shouting through the letterbox) - Stevie!!!!!!!!!!!

Gordon - Maybe he's out.

Billy (looking through the letterbox) - The lights are on in his room...I can see him! I can fucking see him. He's lying on his bed. STEVIE!!!!!!

Gordon sits on a flight case as Billy gets more annoyed.

Billy - Wait here.

Billy runs down stairs to the public phone box and calls the house.

Cut to Gordon looking through the letterbox and shouting Stevie's name.

Cut back to Billy in the phone box as the call remains unanswered. Billy looks at the scaffolding on the outside the building flat, leaves the phone ringing, off the hook and runs out of the booth.

Cut to Stevie's room, with the guitarist seemingly dead to the world despite the phone still ringing. The window that is ajar is forced opened and a breathless Billy climbs through. He goes up to Stevie and shakes him violently. Stevie stirs.

Billy (shouts) - Stevie!!!

Stevie (groggy) - Huhhh?

Billy - There's somebody on the phone for you.

Stevie - Who is it?

Billy (angry) - It's fucking ME!!!!!!




Cut back to flat.

It's hard to stay annoyed at Stevie for too long. He's one of life's charmers and is pretty much ego free, which is a rarity among guitarists. We'll see more of Stevie later.

Stevie looks around to see his room is full.

Stevie - Make yourselves at home. Soup anyone?

He stands up and the kimono he wears loosely, clearly belongs to a smaller female. Everyone looks away as it falls open. Except Billy, who puts his shades on.

Narrator - That was not what I meant when I said, 'We'll see more of him later'

George - We've got to go.




Cut to Brian , Jamesey and George running down the stairs of the tenement and onto the street...




George - Taxi!!!

A taxi takes them back into the city to enjoy their big night. They arrive at the nightclub...




Narrator - Hail the conquering heroes! This is the Disco Viva and we are magnificent warriors of the Doune! Valhalla, I am coming...

Donny - Boysies! Over here!

George and Brian pass through the crowd, shaking hands and taking drinks. Jamesey follows behind. They all get to the table that Donny's sequestered and there's a group hug.

George - Where did you bugger off to?

Donny - Just had to speak to a girl about a dog. Cigar? Jamesey takes one and goes bopping onto the dancefloor, urging his band mates to join him.

Narrator - I still have photos of this night. This is truly what being a teenager is all about. Especially when you're the new King! But the King needs his Queen...

The boys are dragged to the dancefloor and everyone is jumping around to a great tune, Don't Stop me Now by... Queen.




Narrator - My pulling power is now at an all time high. It's amazing what a sell out gig can do for ones prospects. But there's someone who's on the early bus to Aberdeen that is still in my mind.




Cut to payphone, George is making a call.




George (shouting) - Hi? Is Melissa there? (voice on other end asks if he knows what time it is) Yeah... it's half twelve. Sorry!

Melissa (sleepily)- Hello?

George -Melissa? Just thought I call you to see if you want to come down to the party.

Melissa - I was asleep.

George - Sorry. I thought...Sorry.

Narrator - Shit. Wrong end of the stick. You overreached there, my boy.

Pause...

Melissa - No, it's ok. Honestly, it's fine. You could come over...if you want? For a coffee?

Narrator - Well, what are you waiting for? That boner isn't going to break itself!




George leaves the club and walks to the address Melissa gave him. He knocks the door quietly and Melissa opens, ushering him into the house and into the living room where she'd been sleeping.




George - Not a big coffee drinker. Any chance of some tea instead?




George barely finishes before Melissa passionately grabs him and drags him to the floor.




Cut to Sun rising over Glasgow...




George is leaving the flat after saying goodbye to Melissa. He walks through the town satisfied.




Narrator - Good morning world! How are you today? Me? I'm very good. How good, you say? Well, not only have I've just been crowned king but I rode Melissa like Lester fucking Piggott and left her shaking like a MFI wardrobe. I'd say that wasn't a bad days work. But the seed has been planted. Like an addict, I want this feeling again and again.




Walking past Disco Viva as the last of the stragglers are hanging about waiting for cabs. Some of them are friends of George's and they tell him that the band is still in Dunkin Donuts.




Narrator - Dunkin' Donuts. The last post for shaky teenagers waiting for the first bus, hookers looking for a temporary sugar hit and junkies trying to clean out both. The band are sitting in a booth counting out the last of their pennies. Jamesey is almost asleep on the table, Brian is holding a cup full of ice over his privates but Donny is still very animated.




Donny - Geo man!

George - How are we doing boys?

Donny - First of all, how are you?

George smiles

Donny - Well as you're in such a positive mood, full disclosure time. We've spent all the money.

George - All of it? Where's my share?

Donny - You weren't here ...and...we we're starving.

George - How the fuck are we going to get home?

Donny - Walk I suppose..

Brian (groaning) - I'm not fucking walking anywhere.

George - What happened to him?

Jamesey (lifting his head) - New York, New York.

George - Oh Jesus...




Flashback to end of the disco...




Narrator - I don't know if this is tradition anywhere else but in Glasgow, the last song in a nightclub, particularly one like Disco Viva, tends to be Sinatra singing 'New York, New York'. Right before the lights go up, everyone who's still standing, gathers in a large circle, lock arms and high kick their way through the song. Usually with disastrous consequences for some unlucky sod. This time, it was our Brido who took a size ten....right in the Sandie Shaws.




Brian (shouting) - More ice!




Cut to Donny and Jamesey heading in one direction while George with his arm around Brian, helps him walk.


Brian - Only one thing for it...

George - Beatles songs...?

Brian (groaning)- Beatles songs.

George - Only six more miles to go...

They start singing...




Narrator - Little did we know but that glorious night would be the beginning of the end for my foreskin, Brian's right ball and ....The Molotov Cocktails.




End.

Copyright George Paterson 2012