Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Episode 14 - Somers Town Blues
Opens with the van juddering to a halt outside an Edwardian townhouse. The band pile out of the side door and stretch.
Narrator - welcome to Somers Town, an equidistant stagger between the Kings X, Euston and Camden Town areas of London.
Jimmy (throwing the bands bags and equipment out into the street) - Right lads, it's been a great ride but I'm off.
Gordon - We've just arrived.
Billy - After an eight hour drive.
Slippy - Don't you want a cup of tea?
Jimmy (clearly agitated) - No. Nothing. Must get back. Been fun. Call me when your back in Scotland. Love you, miss you...
Devon (looks toward house) - Well, what do you think?
Narrator - I think that this was the longest Jimmy's gone without mother nature's 'erb for quite some time.
Jimmy's van screeches off.
Billy (to Gordon) - This doesn't look too shabby actually.
Gordon looks at the building with suspicion.
George - It's right beside a school. How the fuck are we supposed to sleep all day with a school next to us?
Devon - But it's a classy school. Look, a latin motto.
Narrator - The motto should have read 'Caveat Empor'.
Devon (excited) - Shall we venture inside?
The band enter through an ornate door but as soon as they walk through, they are wading through bags of rotting trash, unopened mail and pizza shop flyers.
Narrator (in the style of Loyd Grossman) - Who lives in a place like this?
Gordon - Perhaps the cleaning lady is off this week?
Devon leads on with the zeal of a hungry tour guide.
Devon - This way lads!
He opens a reinforced steel door which leads to an apartment on the first floor. The door is covered in a bloody residue.
Devon uses his sleeve to push the heavy door open.
Narrator - Hmmm...classy touch.
George - It's a bit dark...
Devon - I'll open the curtains.
Devon goes to open the curtains but in doing so disturbs months of untouched dust causing the band to reel under a large cloud of stoor.
The light break through the dust cloud to illuminate a decrepit living space.
George - I thought you said that this was a friend's place?
Devon - It is. She'll be back in about 6 months. Maybe 3 with good behaviour.
Billy - It'll do for now. (looks around) Where's the tall one?
Cut to Gordon walking briskly down Camden High Street. He stops, sniffs then goes to his right. He walks into a pub and looks around. Cut to Gordon's POV. It looks like what the Terminator would see. His sights close in on a pretty girl and he hones in for the kill.
He taps her on the shouder. She turns around and he whispers in her ear. She shakes her head.
Narrator - But the Gordonator was nothing if not persistent.
Girl - Ok, so why on earth should I take you home with me?
Gordon - I'm a rock star.
Girl laughs.
Girl - No, go away.
Gordon - Give me one reason. One good reason why I can't come home with you.
Girl (whispers) - I'm on my cycle.
Gordon - No worries, you take your bike and I'll follow you in a taxi.
Cut back to the band in the house.
George - He was here a second ago...
Billy tries to switch on the electrical appliances. Nothing is working.
Billy - Pass me my bag.
George throws his rucksack towards him. Billy takes a small toolkit and a length of rope.
Devon and George look on in amazement as Billy opens the window and lassoes the rope around a street light. Checking its taughtness, Billy - with toolbox hanging from his mouth - hangs and crawls across the rope and begins to run a feed from the street light into the house to the tune of Mission Impossible.
Narrator - If the band was ever going to self destruct in 5 seconds, this is the guy I'd want beside me.
Devon opens a door with a kick.
Devon - This will be your room, young yin! Gordon can share with you.
George looks unimpressed.
Narrator - You've got to be kidding?
Cut to George's POV. The room is clearly a large airing cupboard with a massive rattling boiler taking up most of the space.
Billy looks over his shoulder.
Billy - At least your room will be warm.
His room is at the back of the house and has a window pane missing.
Billy sighs.
Cut to outside the townhouse.
Devon - So all things considered, not a bad little place, eh?
Billy and George draw him daggers.
Gordon arrives back and sidles up to the band.
George - Oh there you are.
Devon (unaware that Gordon was missing) - Are you happy with the living accommodation, big man?
Gordon (checking his zip) About that...
Narrator - And like a Frenchman hearing gunfire, he was off. But not before toasting our health in a local hostelry.
Cut to band spending their money.
Narrator - The last hurrah before...
Cut to a virtually pitch black house. Devon's watch alarm tells him it's 6.30am. He jumps out of his bed, still fully clothed and goes to wake George and Billy.
Neither want to get up.
Devon - We've got 30 mins to get to the site. Get a move on!
Cut to outside of house, Devon and Billy are appropriately dressed for a day of heavy labouring. George walks out behind them wearing an ill fitting hard hat illustrated with a funny but crude drawing, giant work boots and heavy work gloves that are two sizes too big.
Billy (laughs) - Where the fuck did you get that stuff from?
George (holding up his now giant mitts) - The moose sold them to me.
Billy - Figures.
The three walk towards a large building site which is already teeming with workers.
Narrator - The British Library. 10 million bricks and 180,000 tonnes of concrete were needed to complete this remarkable structure which would one day house the Magna Carta, Leonardo Da Vinci's notebook and some rare Beatles manuscripts. And Devon, Billy and I were to play our part.
Devon approaches a site manager.
Devon - Spiros! My man!
Spiros - Alright Jocko.
Devon - These are the boys I told you about.
He looks at Billy and George, unimpressed.
Spiros - They don't look up to much.
Devon - Mate, these guys aren't your big sausage fingered road dogs.
Spiros looks at George's massive gloves.
Devon - These are your whippets. Put them anywhere, they'll do a shift for you.
Spiros - I don't know...
Devon - Remember our deal.
Devon puts a small folded wrap of paper in the site managers hands.
Spiros - I suppose I can find something for them to do.
Devon - Great!
Spiros - Right, the skinny boy with the big hands can start sweeping up and loading this rubble into the skip. The other one can come with me to the concrete pit.
Devon - Cheers Spiros, I owe you mate.
Cut to George sweeping up badly and throwing bricks into the skip like hand grenades.
George (making the noise of missile hitting target) - Spppppwwwoooookkkk!
Narrator - Fuck, this is boring. This is not what I had in mind when I thought about entering the rock business. What time is it?
George looks at his watch. It says 07.40.
Narrator - Must be nearly lunch time. I wonder if there are any chicks working here? Makes me almost nostalgic for the Tax Office.
Cut to Site manager looking out of portacabin. One of his bosses is pointing at George.
The site manager walks over to George.
Spiros - Put the brush down son and come here.
George obliges.
Spiros - Listen, there's been a mix up with the...human resources side of things. We only needed to hire one of you two and I'm afraid, you'll have to go.
George - What?
Spiros - We don't need you anymore. Here's a tenner. Now fuck off.
George looks at the money in shock.
Narrator - Come on! I wasn't THAT bad! 45 minutes. That's all I lasted as a labourer.
George - What am I going to do with all this fucking work gear?
Spiros - £20 for the gloves and boots. And that mental hat! I think I'll wear that me self. (laughs)
Narrator - They cost me fucking £50.
Cut to a fed up George walking back to the house in his socks.
Narrator - I'm definitely getting you back for this, you cunt.
George unlocks the door and enters the flat. He walks down the hallway to the door to the upper flat. A giant member of the Hell's Angels opens his ground floor door as George slams the heavy iron flat door shut. The Hell's Angel growls...
Hell's Angel - Later...
George walks into the kitchen, puts the kettle on and finds a spoon to stir his tea with. It is dirty, coated with what seems a brown sugary substance. There is music pounding from the stereo in the living room. A baffled George turns it down.
Narrator - I hope the others are having a better day.
Cuts to Slippy at the BBC, being served a beer by a buxom barmaid as his lunch is delivered. He sighs contentedly as he smokes a pipe.
Cut to Billy in an underground hole pouring cement into a new floor. He looks around to see the depressing grey pallor of his co-workers. They look like lost souls. The fumes from the cement have started to have a hallucinatory effect on Billy.
Cut to Gordon sitting at his new desk at the Tax Office. A number of young women walk by, saying hi and checking him out. He leans back and picks at his teeth, smiling like a predatory animal.
Cut back to George stirring his tea. He licks the spoon clean, dusts down an old magazine and walks towards the toilet.
Narrator - I have found that during a time of exceptional stress, it's important to centre one's chakras. And here in London, what could be better than having an Eartha Kitt followed by a Barclays Bank?
Cut back to George opening the door. The steam envelops him. He coughs, waving his way through the warm mist.
George - What the...?
Cut to bath tub. Two people are bathing. One white female, one black male.
Female - Quick close the door, the heat's escaping!
Female offers George a smoke. George shakes his head.
Female - You must be George then. Heard a lot about you. I'm Juliet.
The black male stands up and offers his hand to George.
Narrator - It gets better...
Male - Romeo.
Narrator - No fucking way! I bet this was not what Big Willie Shakespeare had in mind when he thought of Verona. Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thy towel, Romeo?
George - I thought you weren't due back just yet?
Juliet (points to Romeo) - Let's just say that my parole officer was willing to do a deal.
Romeo smiles a toothy grin.
Cut to Devon arriving at the house, slamming the front door before heading in.
The Hell's Angel comes out of his door but again, is too late to catch the entrant. He growls.
Devon walks into the living room to find Juliet and Romeo sitting on the couch listening to some bass heavy dub reggae. He looks surprised but gives her a hug. She semi seriously tries to pick his back pocket but he stops her.
Devon looks at Romeo.
Devon - Good behaviour?
Juliet laughs and passes a joint to Devon. He takes a long drag before asking...
Devon - Where's George?
Juliet points behind the couch where a very pale George lays, suffering from the after effects of the 'spoon'.
Devon - Fucking hell!
Juliet (shouts) - You'd better tell him to keep away from my gear.
Cut to Slippy and Gordon sitting in what looks like a pristine flat from the 1950's, wearing dinner jackets with cravats, enjoying a meal. Gordon's girl from the pub pours them a drink as the theme from Desert Island Discs plays in the background.
Slippy (looks around) - This is nice....
Gordon - Pass the sauce, old boy.
Slippy - I wonder how the boys are getting on...
Cuts back to Billy doing some shopping. He's tired and still suffering from the effects of the concrete pit. He picks up items, stares at them blankly before dropping them in his basket. He continues to do this then walks out of the shop, unaware that he's not paid. A security guard tries to stop him but he keeps walking as if he were a zombie.
Cut to Gordon sipping a drink.
Gordon - They'll be fine.
Cut back to The front door. Billy is about to open the door when the Hell's Angel beats him to it.
Hell's Angel - Got you now, you fucker!
The Hell's Angel's ring encrusted fist smashes into Billy's face causing him to reel backwards.
Hell's Angel - How can my family sleep with that fucking music going on?
Billy staggers towards him and is hit again. He stumbles backward, still keeping a tight hold on his two shopping baskets.
Hell's Angel - You'd better watch your step boy!
He punches Billy for a 3rd time then goes back inside.
Billy stands stunned, bemused and in pain. He spits out a mouthful of blood and his tongue feels there is a missing tooth.
Narrator - We were told that the streets of London were paved with gold. Teeth and blood too, it seems.
Cut to World's End bar, later that evening. George and Billy are telling Slippy and Gordon how their day has went.
Slippy - He did what?
Gordon - We need to get the fucker back for this.
Billy - I've got an idea. Devon, how much acid can you lay your hands on at short notice?
Myra arrives. She embraces the guys before noticing Billy's eye and mouth.
Myra - Jesus! What the hell happened to you?
George - He was trying to kiss some guys ring. So, any positive news for us?
Devon - Tell them...
Myra - Rock Garden on Friday. Time Out will be there.
Gordon - Nice...
Myra (to George and Billy) - How are the jobs going?
George and Billy - Hmmm....
Myra (to George) - Well, I might have something for you. Short term only.
Narrator - Stunt double for George Best? Underwear model?
Myra - Leave it with me. By the way, you've both got admirers
George looks around to see a young woman looking at him. She's of mediterranean descent with long curly hair. She's standing beside a pretty barmaid with long dark hair who motions to Billy. She gingerly touches his eye, gives him some ice in a beer towel and pours him a free drink. The other girl moves towards George.
Narrator - Now that the bold yin's off playing 'look at my wigwam trousers', my options are as follows. 1/ Go back to the squat from hell, risk another cup of the tea of doom and get my stunning looks rearranged by an angry, bejewelled biker or 2/ Give this chick the best minute and a half of her young life? Twice. Who knows, I might get a plate of moussaka out of this.
Cut to terraced house in quiet area. Girl is sneaking George in.
Girl (whispers) - You've got to be really quiet. My folks would kill me if they found I'd brought someone home.
George - Soul of discretion love.
Cut to bed, 3 minutes later.
Woman - Are you fucking serious?
George - Honestly, I'll be able to go again if I curl one out, I promise. Come on, I'm prairie dogging here. Desperately need to drop the kids off at the pool.
Narrator - Soul of discretion, eh?
Cut to hallway, girl leading George (wearing her tiny silk gown) silently along towards the toilet. He notices a hard had with a familiar drawing on it.
George - Who does that belong to?
Girl - That must be my Dad's.
George (startled) - Really?
Girl - Yeah, he's some sort of builder. Or something. He could probably get you a job if you wanted.
George - Interesting...
Girl pushes George into the toilet, whispering...
Girl - Make it quick. And be quiet.
George sits down on the pan and smirks.
Narrator - Sometimes the karmic wheel throws slushy dirt up onto your nice trousers. And sometimes...
Cuts to George scanning the toilet for 'weapons'. He spots the only non girlie toothbrush, takes it and puts it in the crack of his butt. He does a wet fart and sighs, contentedly.
Narrator - ...on that rare occasion, you happen to be the one who's doing the splattering.
George spies some hair removal cream.
Narrator - A necessity in an mediterranean female's toiletry cabinet...we'll save that for later. This could turn out to be quite a fun night after all! I wonder how the lads are getting on?
Cut to a suburban street, Gordon and Slippy are staggering back to their flat, passing a bottle between them.
Gordon - But the reverb ...in that space...I think it will work. You may call me mad...but I think it will work. We'll tell the lads after the Rock Garden.
Slippy nods.
Slippy - Chips?
Gordon - Hell, yeah!
Cut back to Juliet's flat. The Hell's Angel is having a drink with Devon and Billy. Music is playing and the mood is friendlier than before. Devon is playing peacemaker.
Devon - So it was all just a misunderstanding then?
Hell Angel (grunts as he accepts a glass of scotch) - Guess so.
Devon - Well, how about some introductions? I'm Devon and I see you've already met my cousin, Billy.
Hell's Angel - Man Bat.
Billy - Beg your pardon?
Hell's Angel (gruffer) - Man Bat. Call me Man Bat.
Devon - Where are you from....Man Bat?
Man Bat - I'm from Austin, Texas. But my daddy was from your neck of the woods. The old country...
Billy (nods) - Nice one.
Devon - Well there you go! That's cause for a celebration! (winks) Billy...let's get the good stuff out for our colonial clansman.
Billy takes a specific bottle from the kitchen, drops in three acid tabs and pours Man Bat a very large drink. He returns to the living room and hands the drink to him.
Billy - Now, where we come from, you must down that in one. Slainte!
Man Bat - Now that's what I'm talking about!
He slugs the drink and makes a whooping noise.
Billy - That should do the trick.
Cut to the flat, later.
Man Bat is still hollering and demanding more of the 'special' drink.
Billy looks at Devon, concerned.
Devon - Mate, you're supposed to savour these drinks. One maybe, two a night.
Man Bat (slurs) - Another. And make it a strong one this time! (laughs)
Devon nods at Billy.
Billy hands him a fresh drink.
Narrator - Don't say you weren't warned mate!
Cut to morning in the Greek girls house. George sneaks back into the bedroom, puts an ink marker back on the girls desk and crawls back under the covers. The girl wakes.
Girl - Morning. You should probably stay here until my Dad goes to work.
George (smirks) - I'd say that's a good idea.
Cut to the Townhouse later in the morning. Billy and Devon are sitting on the stoop watching the drama unfold. The street is cordoned off, school kids are locked in their school with their faces pressed up against the windows of their classrooms. The police are involved in a standoff...George speaks to an officer at the cordon and is allowed through. He waves at Billy and Devon.
George - What the fuck is happening?
Billy - I think we over did it last night...
Cut to street, Man Bat is in his underwear, fighting off police officers with a fire hose.
George (matter of fact) - What's with the hose?
Devon - He says he needs it to keep the tigers off his street.
George - I didn't know we had tigers on the street.
Billy - It must be working then!
George - Shouldn't you be at the site?
Devon sighs.
Devon - It all kicked off before we arrived...
Cut to building site...Spiros is being laughed at by some of his co workers. He's getting a tad paranoid. When a few guys blow him kisses, he squares up to one of them.
Spiros - What the fuck are you playing at, boy?
Worker - It's your hat mate.
Spiros removes his hat to see the legend 'I love noshing the cock' on the back. He's furious.
Worker (scared) - Mate...what's happened to your hair?
Spiros runs his fingers through his once thick and lustrous hair. It's now coming off in clumps and very patchy. He lets out a roar and starts smashing the building site up.
Billy - ...So they sent us home, fully paid.
George - Sweet!
Devon - Afternoon session?
George (nods) - Search for work tomorrow.
Billy - And rehearsal Thursday.
Narrator - Rock Garden on Friday! And our real introduction into London life...
Cut to club. Place is bouncing, White finish playing to wild applause. Myra points out various journalists to Devon.
After show, there are a number of interested parties. Billy is chatting very closely to the long haired barmaid from the Worlds End pub when Man Bat walks up behind him. He puts an arm around him, grabbing him tightly. He flashes a large hunting knife in front of a now nervous BIlly's face.
Man Bat (aggressively) - You guys .....YOU GUYS!!!!!! You guys fucking rocked! If anybody...ANYBODY gives you shit, you just call on me, y'hear? By the way, do you have any more of that fucking nasty hooch you gave me?
George, Gordon and Slippy watch before turning back to the bar.
Gordon - Man Bat?
George - Man Bat.
Slippy - Why Man Bat?
George (downing pint) - Seems his real name is Wayne Bruce.
Gordon and Slippy almost choke on their beers...
End.
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