Episode 19 - London's Burning...

Everybody Wants to Rule the World by George Paterson

Episode 19 - London's Burning...

 

 

 

 

Opens in Suggs's flat. He's leading George down the hall towards the place he said he could use.

 

Suggs - I made a few adjustments... hope you like it.

George drops his bags outside the area, which has been covered over by a bunch of stapled down sheets. Suggs pulls back one sheet...

George (smiling)  - Wow!

Narrator - Now, I've never been a big fan of outdoor camping but for this, I'll gladly make an exception.

George enters the tent to find it transformed from a derelict kitchen to something resembling a modern Bedouin tent, spotlessly clean with a rug, a bed and some furniture.

George shakes his head in amazement as Suggs throws him a key to the outer door.

Suggs - Stay here as long as you want mate but I will ask one thing of you.

George - Name it.

Cut to early morning...the distant sound of the Happy Mondays is getting louder and louder. It awakens George. He scratches his head, pulls on his trousers and walks into Suggs room.  It is filled with pizza boxes and there is a wall full of empty beer cans. George wades through the mess, turns the alarm off, pulls open the curtains and wakes Suggs up.

Narrator - Small price to pay for rent free accommodation overlooking beautiful Regents Park.  Perhaps I could add this to my increasingly impressive CV.  Porter, Trainee Rock God, Human Alarm Clock.  But the main reason Suggs had difficulty wakening could be something to do with this...

Cut back to the flat.

George - Mate, I owe you big time.

Suggs - No worries.

George - Tell you what. Let me take you for a pizza. Just to say thanks.

Suggs - Sweet.

Cut to restaurant. The waiter has brought two large pizzas and another couple of beers.

 

Waiter - Would sir like some black pepper on his pizza?

George (to waiter) - Go for it, man.

A grinning Suggs shakes his head.

George looks at Suggs's Pizza.

George - Don't you want some toppings on that?

Suggs - I brought my own.

Narrator - Courtesy of Joey, naturally...

Suggs looks around before opening a clear plastic bag and depositing a handful of mushrooms on his pizza.

Suggs - You should try these mate.  They're organic.  Straight from Joey's folks patch in Arran.

George (cautious) - Just a little for me. Don't want to get too off my nut.

Suggs - Good thinking.

Cut to Suggs and George staggering down through Piccadilly Circus, gazing in wonder at the lights. The statue of Eros winks at George and takes aim, striking him with one of his love arrows.

George - Mate, I have to tell you...I'm falling in love.

Suggs - Whoa... straighten the rug man! I'm not that way inclined. 

George (giggles) - No, you daft bastard. I've met a girl.  She's...beautiful...

An old drunk approaches them.

Narrator - Because of the hallucinatory effects of Joey's mushrooms, this harmless bum looks close to 12ft tall with giant hams for hands.

Drunk - Who are you laughing at, ya bastard?

George (startled) - Woah!

Drunk - Do you wanna fight me?

Suggs - No fucking way, Popeye!

Drunk (throwing air punches) - I was legendary boxer, you know.

Suggs - Oh yeah?

Drunk - 36 professional bouts.

George - Really?

Drunk - Lost them all.

All three start laughing. Suggs offers him some mushrooms.

Suggs - You're a fun guy. Fungi!  Get it?

All three stagger down towards the river as Big Ben wobbles as if made of rubber.

Narrator - And that's why Suggs has difficulty getting up in the morning.

Cut to Endurance studios.

Narrator - My little Basildon buddy wasn't the only one who was into a bit of 'out there' experimentation.

The band are the mixing suite.  Billy is explaining where his saxophone part will fit into the tune they're recording.

Billy - So, right after the solo, I come in with my piece.

Gordon and George look at each other with trepidation.

Billy - Trust me, this will work.

Fozzy sets up a mic for Billy's sax.

Fozzy - OK, Bill. Play the piece.

Billy - No.  I want it to be a surprise.

Fozzy - Mate, I need to take a level.

Billy - OK, but remember, this is not it.

Billy plays some sax scales.

Fozzy - Ok, that'll do.  Are you ready to lay it down?

Billy nods.

The track lines up and Bill is cue'd in. He plays his piece.

Billy - PhhhranrrrRRRRRPPPPHHHH!

Billy nods his head. He turns to see George and Gordon bright red, holding their breath.

They all look at Fozzy. From the back, they see his shoulders shaking violently.

JT walks in from the drum booth.

JT - What the fuck was that?  Sounded like an elephant ejaculating over a live electric rail!

Fozzy, Gordon and George explode with laughter. Billy, surprised at the reaction, shakes his head.

Billy - Don't know why I bother with you ingrates. 

Roars of laughter.

Billy - Pack it in!

JT (dry) -  Pachyderm?

Fozzy, George and Gordon are on the floor.

Billy (mutters) - Bunch of fucking philistines.

Cut to band loading gear into JT's car.

George (to Fozzy) - Are you coming to the Dublin Castle tomorrow?

Fozzy - Definitely.  I've not been to Camden for ages.

Gordon (to George) - So, when are we going to meet this latest love of your life?

Billy - What the fuck does she see in a mangy tramp like you?

George - Mangy? Moi? She thinks I'm handsome.

JT (sucking on a cigarette) - She likes you but her guide dog thinks that you're an ugly cunt.

George - Ha fucking ha botons. I'm actually off to meet her now. Get it up yees!

George walks off, flicking V-signs.

Narrator - The joys of being a singer. We travel light.

JT looks at Billy and Gordon's gear in his car. He shakes his head.

JT - Don't be making a habit of this.  I'm not a fucking taxi driver.

Cut to George bounding onto the tube.

Narrator - I didn't realise how much I skipped when I was younger.  Before the joints gave out and the cynicism kicked in, I suppose.  But hey, that's what young love does to a man. Turns him into a giggling, grinning, bounding, skipping imbecile. Fucking magic, isn't it?

Cut to George leaving the Underground at Piccadilly Circus. The area is very busy. Looks at Eros, this time the statue doesn't move.

Narrator - Right, none of your nonsense today.

George spots the old drunk sleeping in a doorway.  He drops a pound in his hat before spotting Ricky. She smiles and waves.

Narrator - Seconds out, round two.

George and Ricky walk around the West End.

Narrator - I feel so comfortable with her. It just feels...right.

Behind the couple, a riot has started but they are oblivious to it. Police and demonstrators battle it out but George and Ricky continue to stroll hand in hand, without a care. They are corralled into a quieter street off Piccadilly Circus. They walk into a deserted lane, an oasis of calm in the middle of a violent storm.

George - What are you doing tomorrow?

Ricky - Anything you want to do. I don't have to be back to my kids until Monday morning.

Narrator - Huh???

George (surprised) - You...you have kids?

Ricky - Yes, two.  One is six and my little girl is four.

George - But you can't be older than 20?

Ricky (baffled) - I'm 19.

George looks equally baffled.

Ricky playfully slaps his arm.

Ricky - I'm an au pair, silly! I look after two kids.

Narrator - Phew! For a moment there, I thought you were from Ayrshire.

George - Ahhh...you need to come with me to the Dublin Castle tomorrow.

Ricky - Will I need my passport?

George smiles.

The riot continues in the background as the lovers kiss.

Narrator - London's burning...

Cut to Billy and his girlfriend having a picnic on a hill as music plays in the distance.

Girlfriend (taken by surprise) - Seriously? Are you sure?

Billy (lies back) - I think so....ach, I don't know.  We've got a gig tomorrow. I'll give it a bit more thought after that.

Cut to The Dublin Castle Pub, Camden.  White are playing to a full house. Ricky, ignoring Fozzy's attempted chat up, stands staring at George. George is giving the performance everything he has.  His band mates notice.

Billy (to Gordon) - Look at the youngster!

Gordon - He should go gaga more often.

The crowd roar their approval at the end of the gig. George jumps off stage and leads Ricky away.

Gordon (shouts) - Hawl! This gear won't pack itself.

Billy - Let him go...

Gordon - Need to keep an eye on this.

Cut to George and Ricky lying in bed. She's resting her head on his chest.

Narrator - C'mon say it!

George - Ehhh...Ricky....

Ricky - Yes...

Narrator - Don't pussy out!

Ricky - What is it?

George - I...ehhh...

Ricky kisses George.

Ricky - Do you want to tell me something?

George - Yes...I...

Narrator - Spit it out man!

Ricky - Yes?

George - I...want to take you to Glasgow.  To meet my family and friends.

Ricky smiles. 

Narrator - What did you think I was going to say? That I loved her? Listen, I'm a 'hump them and dump them' type rock star. You'll never catch me saying anything as soppy as...

George - I love you.

Narrator - What?  It just came out.

Ricky - I love you too.

Narrator - That was straightforward, eh?  No speed bumps, plain sailing from here on in.

Ricky - There's something I have to tell you.

Narrator - What? You're betrothed to an oil baron? Your family wouldn't approve?  What? What?

Ricky - I'm moving to California next month.

Clanging chimes of doom sound!

Narrator - Me and my big fucking mouth.

Cut to field in Regents Park. A football game is taking place. Billy and Gordon are on the side lines talking to George.

George - So, that's my dilemma.

Gordon - How serious is the job offer in California?

George - Pretty serious.  She's agreed to go. Ticket already bought.

Billy - If you're sure...

George - I am.

Billy - Then you have to tell her how you feel. 

Gordon - Before you take her to Scotland.

Shouts from the field of ....'George!!!!  George!!!!!'

George - Sorry guys.  One minute.

George runs onto the field.  He's wearing shorts and gloves. A player shoots and George saves spectacularly. He launches the ball back up field before walking back to Gordon and Billy, completely disregarding the game again.

George - So, that's what you think I should do?

Gordon (joking) - Have you thought of turning all of this turmoil into...a song?

George considers Gordon's suggestion as the players shout George's name again.

George (shouts as he runs back) - That's not a bad idea! I'll come over after the game and we'll work on something.

Billy and Gordon wave George goodbye.

Gordon (to Billy) - Why the hell is he playing in goals?

Billy - Have you ever tried to run about for 90 minutes with 2 gallons of lager in your bladder?

Cut to the field at half time. Stevie, Jocky and Suggs are slugging cans of lager. Marky and Tone are aggressively taunting opponents while Snuggly pulls them away. George is lying on the grass, writing lyrics on a scrap of paper. He stops and looks around at his team.

Narrator - From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that shares a beer with me
Shall be my brother.

Cut to the game kicking off again.

Marky (screaming) - Let's get right into these fucking caaaaaannnnts!

The rest of the team snarl as they start the second half.

Narrator - Might not look like it, but this was easily the most committed and skilful side I ever played with. We played for in the park for 3 seasons and lost a mere two games. Marylebone FC, my band of brothers.

Cut to end of game. Marylebone FC have won and they are in the mood to celebrate.

Marky - Coming to the pub, Georgie?

George - Nah.  Got a tune I'm working on.

Stevie/Tone - Pooooof!

George - Do one. Look, I'll see you tomorrow.

Suggs is standing watching a tiny bird dart back and forth.

Narrator - Beautiful, isn't it? Here's the thing. Defenders from all over the world, dishing out some tough tackling, couldn't stop our star striker...

The bird swoops and flies straight into his privates, causing him to hit the ground in pain.

Narrator - But like so many players, it was a bird that brought him to his knees.

Jocky - Man down!

Joey and her football playing boyfriend go to assist.

They carefully pick the bird up and take it away.

Joey - Aw...look. It needs food.

Narrator - As long as it's not Chili or mushrooms, it should make a full recovery.  Suggs however...

Cut to Suggs lying, still in agony.

Suggs - A bit of fucking help here, eh?  I can't breathe.

Snuggly offers Suggs a sip of a herbal concoction.

Snuggly - This'll take the edge off.

Cut to George at Gordon's flat. They're working some new songs.

Gordon is playing on an upright piano. George is singing then writing lyrics down.

Narrator - If you're going to put your heart and soul into something, you'd best have a good reason.

George and Gordon are sitting on opposite sides of a bed, each playing guitar and singing in harmony.

The song ends.

Cut to Gordon and George nodding in agreement.

Billy arrives. They play the new songs for him. He plays bass notes on the upright piano and joins in with the harmonies.

Cut to band packing guitars away.

Billy - We've not done enough of this recently.

George - Agreed. But that was a good night's work.

Gordon - If that doesn't deserve a pint, I don't know what does.

George - Do you think we could play a few of those tunes at Students House on Friday?

Gordon strokes his chin.

Cut to South London pub. Two men are watching JT play in a pick up band with a sixties singer. The first man is wearing a suit. The second is dressed like a foppish rock star.

Suited man - He's the drummer.

Foppish man - Definitely. Pity the guitarist isn't 30 years younger though.

Cut to elderly guitarist rocking out.

Suited man - Don't worry.  We'll find our guitarist.

Cut to Students House on Friday night. A large crowd applauds the end of a song.

George - Thank you. We'd like to play a song now for someone very special.  We just wrote it a few days ago. It's called...'You Ain't Going Nowhere'.

The band launch into the new song as Ricky looks on.  There are tears in her eyes.

Narrator - Looking back, I should have been delighted for her. It was the opportunity of a lifetime working for a movie producer in the beautiful town of San Rafael. But I was selfish.  As the song said, 'You ain't going nowhere'. I wanted her to stay. With me. Forever. And I'd do whatever it took to keep her with me. Grand gesture? Check. Write love song?  No problem. Logic and maturity didn't come into it. When you're young and in love, eh?

Cut to Italian restaurant after the show. George and Ricky are sitting in a table by the window.

Narrator - We used to eat here, 3 to 4 times a week. Lovely Italian restaurant with authentic...

Ricky is talking to George.

Narrator - For fuck sake, stop stalling...

George looking surprised, leaps from his seat and grabs Ricky, kissing her repeatedly.

Narrator - Goodbye California...

Cut to night bus. Ricky is cuddling into George.

Narrator - Deep breath...

Cut to sign that says....WELCOME TO SCOTLAND. George lets out a silent roar.

Narrator - Even now, I still cheer when I return home.

The bus pulls into Glasgow as the sun comes up.

George and Ricky leave the bus station and walk through the deserted streets of George's hometown.

Narrator - Not time for the full tour right now, just a few cultural highlights.

George points out Disco Viva and Dunkin' Donuts.

They board another bus, George buys two tickets and they take a seat. Another couple board the bus and attempt to speak to the driver.

The driver can't understand them so he impatiently indicates that the journey will cost them £1 each. The couple pay and sit down. Ricky starts to doze on an equally tired George's shoulder.

Cut to the bus shuddering to a halt, George wakes with a start. It's a bus stop close to George's home. The drivers change. The couple in front approach the new driver and attempt to engage him.

Driver - Excuse me?

Male - Nniss bsss no a Paysy?

Driver (sympathetic)  - I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying.

Female - Nis bsss agot a Paysy?

Driver (embarrassed) - I'm really sorry but I have no idea...

The couple start to get frustrated and use sign language to communicate with each other.

George (realisation) - I think they're deaf. 

Male (very annoyed) - Fnkkk saik...nnisss bss na afnkkng Paysy?

George (to himself) - Does this bus go to Paisley? That's what he's trying to say! Does this bus go to Paisley!

Narrator - Well, what are you waiting for?  Go help them.

George is about to stand up to offer assistance when an elderly man beats him to it.

He walks to the front of the bus and acts as mediator.

The deaf male repeats his question to the old man who immediately understands.

The old man turns to the bus driver and says...

Old man (stutters) - D...ddd....oes...th...th...is....bbbbbusssss....ggggoooo....taee......PPPPaisley?

George's snort of laughter wakes up Ricky.

Ricky - Are we there yet?

Narrator - Now I'm home.

Cut to large music venue, London.

JT takes his seat behind a brand new drum kit. The foppish man from the pub is the singer.  He does some stretches and vocal exercises as his band tune up.

Suited man - What time did you tell him?

JT - Don't worry. He'll be here.

The doors open. We see the bottom half of a man carrying a guitar case and a familiar looking kit bag.

JT (sucking on cigarette) - Knickers untwisted...

Suited man offers his hand.

Suited man - We've heard a lot about you. I'm Alastair, manager of Towards Jerusalem.

Cut back to reveal...

Guitarist - Hi, I'm Gordon.

Narrator - And while Gordon was heading Towards Jerusalem, Billy was playing with the Stones.

Cut to dark room filled with mystic symbols. Billy sitting down at a table opposite a woman and the little Indian man.

Woman - Shall we begin?

Billy nods. The Indian man closes his eyes and chants, quietly.

She asks Billy to choose a card from the deck. Billy obliges.

Woman - Ahhh! Three Princes. This is significant.

Billy looks at the card.

Billy - What does it mean?

Woman - Not yet. Now, place the card back in the pack and take one from this pile.

Billy - Is that the Community Chest? Do I get £20 for coming third in a modelling contest?

Billy sees that this attempt at humour has gone over the head of the woman. The Indian man is still chanting.

Billy - Sorry...OK, here goes.

He takes another card.

Woman - Interesting. Now, we have to release the crystals.

The woman shakes a small felt bag and empties the contents onto a board on the table. Five crystal stones remain close to one symbol. The woman jots down her notes.

Billy - What does it mean?

Woman - The crystals have told me that there are Three Princes and they have arrived at a crossroads. One will make a big noise, the second will travel to a mountain and the third will travel even further with five stones...

Billy looks confused.

Woman - Each Prince will tread their own road willingly but they will eventually find a track that leads back to one path. However far they travel, they will realise that they must reunite on this common path. But first, they must travel their own roads alone.

The woman looks in her tea cup.  She shakes her head in annoyance and stirs the contents.

Billy - Are the tea leaves revealing something?

Woman - Yes.

Billy (curious) - What are they telling you?

Woman - They're telling me that I need to buy better tea bags.  These cheap ones always burst in the pot.

Cut back to Glasgow, a large, lively gathering is taking place in George's mum's place. Ricky is surrounded by George's family, all of whom are offering her food, drink and advice.

 

Mum - Good to have you back, number one. You're looking well.

George - Thanks Mum. What do you think of Ricky?

Mum - She's very nice.

The door bell rings...in comes Brian.

Brian - Did someone say there's a party going on??

George goes to his old friend and gives him a big emotional hug. Brian's wife follows, carrying their baby.

Brian - This is baby Alex.

George is taken aback by how he feels.

Narrator - I've missed so much.

Ricky looks at George holding the baby and smiles.

Narrator - Could I just stop the world right here?  Take a picture of this moment because this is as good as it gets.

Sound of metal crashing against metal.

Cut to Donny walking in.

Donny - Alright Mrs P!!!!!!! I've parked my bus in your neighbours garden, more by accident than design to be honest.

Cut to neighbours garden.  Elderly passengers are looking out the window at the steaming engine of the bus and the mangled railings.

Old woman - This is no' the bingo.

Cut back to the party.

Mum (shaking head) - Still as daft as ever, Donny.

Donny - Of course but I will claim diminished responsibility on the grounds of the amount of hormone replacement pills I've been ingesting. (spots George) Geo man!!

Donny grabs George and they give each other a violent hug while George's cheeky brother moves in on Ricky.

Cheeky Brother - Alright doll. Tell me, do you like short, handsome men? And if not, have you got a sister?

Narrator - Too good to last...

Cut to George and Ricky walking through Kelvingrove Park as the sun goes down. They stop by a bridge and look across the city which is now bathed in moonlight.

George - So, what do you think of Glasgow?

Ricky - I love it! I don't want this to end.

George - It doesn't have to end. Ricky, would you...?

Ricky - Yes...

Cut to George and Ricky leaving a church, George in a kilt and Ricky in a wedding dress. Following them out of the church are Gordon, Billy, Stevie, Brian and Cheeky Brother in kilts.

Narrator - Trust Donny to buck convention.

Donny is wearing his best funeral coat with a floral patterned shirt.

Narrator - But despite being almost the last man standing at the previous night's stag party...

Cut to the sun rising as George puts a very drunk Suggs into a cab.

George (drunk) - Do you know where you're going?

Suggs (almost incoherent) - Yeah...it's beside a big clock.

Narrator -...Suggs just couldn't keep it going.

Cut to Suggs throwing up in the chapel grounds.

Narrator - Remarkably, the taxi driver did actually get him back to his hotel, beside the big clock.

Ricky's family walk out with George's mum.

Narrator -  Ricky's family made the journey from Switzerland to Glasgow for the wedding but only after a tense head to head at the Casa di Mamma a Papa.

Cut to big Italian dining table. Ricky's father looks at George as if he wants to kill him. Ricky's mum keeps shovelling food on George's plate.

Mamma - Mangiare Giorgio. Mangiare.

Narrator - She thinks that eating my bodyweight in pasta will cure my obvious anorexia.

Ricky's siblings are friendly and welcoming towards George but there is definite tension between him and Papa.

Narrator - What's his problem?  Is he jealous of my hair? Turns out that he was concerned that Trainee Rock God wasn't suitable profession for the prospective husband of his youngest. And with good reason. For starters, I still live in a fucking tent.

Cut to Ricky giving her Papa a big hug. He glowers at George.

Narrator - Maybe it's not the best time to divulge our latest piece of news.

Sitting in a quiet room...Billy and Gordon give George a hug.

Gordon - Congratulations mate! You're not hanging about, are you?

Billy - How the hell are you going to look after a baby...

Gordon - When you can barely look after yourself?

George - I'm maturing. Honestly. I'm a sophisticated man about town.

George opens up a packet of Monster Munch and offers them to the band. They decline.

Billy - Right, shall we do this?

Gordon - I've got some news too but it can wait until after the show.

The band walk out onto the stage.  The venue, a rock bar called Presley's, is small but packed to the rafters. Sweat is dripping from the place.

George shouts to the crowd.

George - Are you ready?

Cheer goes up.

Gordon shakes his head then cups his ears.
George - I said...ARE YOU READY?

Billy (to JT) - Take us there!

JT counts off and the band start playing a loud rock and roll cover version to the delight of the crowd.

Narrator - When we're this good, nothing can stop us.

Cut to Council noise abatement officer arriving and assessing.

Narrator - Except maybe Camden Council...

He pulls the plug much to the annoyance of the band and the crowd.

Narrator - At least the punters got an hour's worth of White.  Which is better than a week of Softly fucking Softly.

The band begin to pack their gear away.

JT is packed up and ready to go.

George - Big man.  Any chance of dropping these PA speakers back to Students House?

JT - No can do.

Gordon - Come on mate. It's literally just around the corner.

JT - Not my problem. Get a cab. You can afford it now.

Gordon is raging as JT drives off.

Billy - Forget it tall one. You said you had news?

Gordon - OK, my news. 

The band take a seat at a table outside of Presley's.

George - Go on then, spill the beans.

Gordon - JT has been headhunted by a rather well known band.

George - Have the Smiths reformed?  Miserable big cunt would fit right in there. 

Billy - It better not be Softly Softly.

George - That new song of theirs, 'I Feel it in the Fingers of my Night Time Lady' sucks fucking balls.

Gordon - Indeed it does.  But it's not them.  It's Towards Jerusalem.

Billy - Never heard of them.

George  (impressed) - I have.  They've had a couple of big hits.

Gordon - But that's not all. Last month, I auditioned for them.

George - What?

Gordon - Hear me out. They needed a drummer so when JT got the gig, he found out that they also need another guitarist.  Session work. Just playing rhythm with them on this month long tour they're doing in Europe. £200 per gig, paid rehearsals and hotels.

George (unenthusiastic) - Great.

Gordon - I knew you'd be wary but here's the deal.  We've got nothing booked up until the Powerhaus, nearly two months away.  This keeps me match fit. And best of all, they have a manager who is on the look out for the next big thing. He knows how limited Towards Jerusalem are. After a month working with me, I just know he'll want to take us on. Think about it.  We've got the songs, the look. He'll already have JT and me. Once he sees the you two at the Powerhaus, he's going to go tonto for us. At worst, I'll have made a whole new set of contacts.

George - So you're not thinking of leaving White, are you Gordon?

Gordon - Of course I'm not.

Billy takes a sip from his pint.

Billy - But I am.

End.